Life is full of ups and downs. I tend to talk/write about the downs. It’s how I process problems, work through stress, and deal. I realize that maybe this is painting a lopsided picture, because in actuality life is pretty grand. But then, is it okay to say that? If I do say it, is that a humble brag, a brag, or just obnoxious?
This morning we went for a walk through the park. It was sunny, the birds were chirping, R was happy, I was feeling productive. Then I saw this door…
Someone had the foresight to make this lovely door face a public park and remind passersby to be at peace. While my daily grind is jam packed with planning meals, cleaning, entertaining/educating a child, this moment was one that reminded me how lucky I am to have the chance to do all of it.
Am I grateful enough? Yesterday I was at the salon, getting a much needed haircut. (My hair was starting to look like a rat’s nest.) I overheard a very pregnant lady saying how wonderful her pregnancy has been. “I’ve felt great. And I just feel so grateful everyday. I mean sure, I had a couple days of nausea in the beginning, but so what, I don’t feel like eating. I won’t eat that day. I’m just so grateful.” At this point I felt A) terrible about myself for being such a wimp. And B) like I wanted to punch this lady in the face.
Let’s talk about A.
After struggling with infertility for 3 years, 2 years with treatments, we have finally gotten to our first pregnancy. It’s still super early, but we’re here. I doubted so many times that we’d reach this point. I wanted so badly to be here that I didn’t even realize what it would be like once I arrived. I didn’t know I’d feel nauseated all day long, unable to eat anything of substance. I didn’t know I’d be crampy and tired. I didn’t know I’d be able to tell the difference between a mere gag and an impending vomit session. I didn’t realize that I’d get a bladder infection and have heartburn and indigestion. I just thought it would be rainbows and sunshine. I thought knowing there was a little human growing inside of me would make all that other stuff disappear. Perhaps that’s why I feel like such an awful person. I am so grateful for this chance. SO grateful! But, you know what? That doesn’t make the morning sickness go away. Which brings me to point B.
Let’s talk about B.
Pregnancy is different for everyone. I’ve heard it, I believe it. After talking to lots of people about it, some had it WAY better than me at this point, and others had it significantly worse. (I feel so bad for them.) But when you are a person who had a few days of nausea your entire pregnancy, and felt amazing the rest of the time, it’s a bit unfair to attribute it to your grateful attitude. It makes the rest of us whose genes predispose us to crummy symptoms feel somehow less worthy of this journey. Maybe it IS all about attitude, but please I just don’t want to hear it right now.
I’m sure so many people out there would say, “Oh quit your whining, at least you get the chance to be pregnant!” Trust me, I’m trying to quit my whining. I feel like a horrible person to even complain for a second. I can’t help it…I’m a whiner.