Infertile Fo’ Life

eb1c7d8e3c874d26b1255e271311a006

When you deal with infertility and somehow miraculously have a child (through IVF), people think that cures you.  “Your body knows how to be pregnant now.” “Your endometriosis is cured!” “When’s baby 2 coming?” But it’s not so simple.  I still have a gigantic endometrioma and pain associated with endometriosis, and after nearly a year of not using birth control, we are still not pregnant.  So now’s about the time you tell those people that they have NO idea!

They have no idea how hard it is to be disappointed that you actually believed their statements for a minute.  They have no idea that you have to research fertility clinics that are willing to monitor your ultrasounds and bloodwork for weeks before you fly to another state to do a transfer of your frozen babies.  Or even the cost associated with the whole process.  No idea, that you’re frightened the amount of frozen embryos won’t be enough to work (because there’s no chance of doing another harvest).

While the fear is a little less because we already have one perfect little miracle, it doesn’t mean we want it any less.  And I think that’s hard for people to understand as well.  Here’s to hoping our Han Solo babies are as bad ass as R.

 

A Southern/Crafting Themed Shower

A few weeks ago, my bridesmaids (aka my besties) threw me the most perfect baby shower.  It was after a long hesitation on my part that the shower was done.  When I found out I was pregnant I didn’t want to participate in anything that made me feel left out or sad pre pregnancy.  I didn’t want to rejoice in things that caused me difficulty in the past.  But, then I got to thinking.  I thought, “This baby has been anticipated for 3 years now.  We’ve gone through so much heartache to conceive her.  Our persistence, our love, and our hope should be celebrated.”  And since my lovely friends and family were so excited for us, they wouldn’t take no for an answer anyway.  I’m glad they didn’t, because it turned out to be such a happy day for me.

flowers

The theme was a surprise, and it was perfect.  They know I love crafting, so made it a crafting/sewing theme with one of my favorite cuisines: Southern home cooking.  There weren’t any traditional games, just a crafting station where people could design onesies, bibs, and headbands.

onesie

 

 

The food and drink were amazing too! All of it was home made and delicious.  I never knew what talented chefs my friends were.  Fried chicken, mac n cheese, pulled pork sammies, apple pie pops, deviled eggs, lavender lemonade…I ate a lot.

drinks

And of course a “cute as a button” red velvet cake!

cake

 

Every detail was so well thought out down to the favors, which were adorable homemade button cookies.

I feel so lucky to be able to have this experience at all.  Some days I get hit with a wave of extreme disbelief.  I can’t believe we are only a few weeks away from having a child.  This day made it feel so real, and to celebrate our future baby with all the people that have been there through our long journey to parenthood made it even more special.  This heart is so thankful!

Cry Baby

Whenever people talked about pregnant ladies being emotional wrecks, I just did not get it.  Until now…I’m not sure what’s going on with my hormones right now, but it seems that everything about babies, babies growing up, and the relationship between mother and child brings me to tears.  Today I found myself tear up watching Sex and the City.  SEX AND THE CITY! It was a scene where they were all singing happy birthday to Brady at his 1 year old party and Charlotte walks in despite having some bad news about her fertility.  (I totally felt her pain.)

But, the main culprit for making me full on bawl is this video:

I kept trying to understand why this video has me hysterical after 10 seconds, and I couldn’t figure it out.  Was it the cute voice? The adorable animation?  And then I made S watch it so I could cry at this video for the second time.  He said he totally got why it would make me cry, though it did not have the same effect on him.  His take was that it made the whole experience real.  It gave a voice and a face to the things that are happening within me, and he could see why that would make me emotional.  Guys, now I’m crying writing this.  OMG, I am such a mess!

My Mom Says I’m Weird

I am now 28 weeks pregnant.  I am now in my third trimester.  I am nearing the end of my pregnancy.  I am so happy to be experiencing this.  I love feeling our baby move around and get hiccups.  I love feeling tiny movements that no one else can feel.  Sometimes when she’s super active in my belly, I try to call someone over to feel it and she stops.  It’s almost like she’s moving just for me.

I only have 10 or so weeks to go.  The nursery is not set up.  I don’t even know what diapers to buy.  I don’t even have a birth plan.  I’m afraid of the pain.  I don’t want to bleed for weeks after.  I’m afraid my endometriosis pain will come back once our baby arrives.  There’s so much unknown.

These two sides of my brain are battling each other these days.  I told my mom the other day that I wanted the baby to stay inside forever.  She thought this was the weirdest thing she’d ever heard.  She said, “Most people want their babies to come out faster.”  Yes, but then I have to share all these moments with everyone else.  She won’t be all mine.  That’s when my mom said I was weird.  Is this a weird thing to feel?  Don’t get me wrong, I am so excited to meet this little human, and hold her in my arms, but a little part of me likes the way things are right now.  Weird?

This Feeling is Normal

First pregnancies are hard for the hypochondriac prone.  You never know what sensations are normal, or whether certain feelings mean something terrible is about to happen.  Not only am I a hypochondriac, but I also know of a few friends near and dear to me that have suffered extremely late miscarriages.  We’re talking 20, 21 weeks.  The knowledge that one could have an incompetent cervix especially frightened me.  In fact, I went to the ER twice because of feelings I just knew were bad signs.  Perhaps if you feel this way, I can persuade you that it may be nothing at all.

Around 19 weeks I started to feel like there was a heaviness down low.  It became so bad, that it felt like something was falling out of my vagina.  Seriously.  With every step it felt like something was creeping out.  It made it really uncomfortable to walk, and was somewhat relieved if I propped my hips up on a pillow and relaxed.  I googled nonstop about this pressure, and all the message boards agreed, “go see your doctor.”  Except, every time I felt this way it was a weekend.  Of course.  Cue the visit to the ER.  After an ultrasound that confirmed my cervix was indeed long and closed, it was decided that our little bundle of joy was doing acrobatics off of my cervix causing the heavy pressure feeling.

A similar situation happened around 22 weeks, only this time lying down didn’t help it any.  I headed over to Labor and Delivery this time, since I was far enough along to skip the ER.   They monitored the baby (who was extremely active), and my uterus.  Turns out I was having contractions (not Braxton Hicks and not normal).  I ended up having a UTI which can cause contractions and uterine irritability.  But again, my cervix was fine.

Here I am, three weeks later,  feeling this pressure again.  This time though, I can feel our baby moving around like mad.  I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that this feeling is normal.  I think I’ll put my feet up and let baby do her thing now.

25 Weeks Today

photo 2

At 25 weeks, I’m finally starting to feel like all of this is really happening to us.  It only took me 6 months to get here, but I am so happy to be in this emotional space.  I’m not saying that my brain has calmed down any at all though.  It seems to be on overdrive these days.  At this very moment I am thinking:

-I can’t believe I’ve already gained 25 lbs.  I’m sure I’ll be +50 by the end of all this

-I need to eat healthier

-I love feeling our baby move around (she is super active)

-We bought a crib! (This is getting real!)

-What do I register for? (There are a billion carriers/strollers/mattresses…out there. I’m so confused)

-I remember feeling so sick and miserable those first 10 weeks.  I’m feeling amazing right about now.

-I can’t wait to meet our little girl, I love her so much already.

-I am so thankful for this experience.

There are only 3 more weeks before I’m officially in my third trimester.  eek! This pregnancy thing goes by super fast! I’m trying to soak up every moment.

Placenta Previa, Anyone?

I’ve been having a bit of spotting randomly throughout this pregnancy.  While it is not too much, it still worries me.  Every time I see it, I call my doc and she inevitably asks me to come in for an u/s.  She checks my cervix length, the heartbeat of the baby, and the placement of the placenta.  I went in two weeks ago and found that my placenta was dangerously close to the opening of my cervix.  Then it happened again and guess what?  I went in again.

The doc reported that the distance from my placenta to my cervical opening was but 1 cm and that it could be causing the spotting, especially if I’m exercising or straining.  Makes sense, I’ve been trying to walk a lot this week. I also noticed on the ultrasound that our baby was head banging the placenta…haha…so maybe that has something to do with it too 😉 She said to take it easy, and that in fact it is very common for the placenta to be this low, this early.  As my uterus grows, my placenta should shift upwards.  (fingers crossed!)  She reassured me that if I continue to see the amount of spotting I have been seeing, it shouldn’t be something to worry about.  (YAY!) I have my next appointment in 2 weeks, so hopefully I can be spot free til then.

For those of you that don’t know much about placenta previa, here’s a little graphic.  17146eeea69760ba266e2ac8410e7a9a

If you still have a placenta previa near your due date, you need a C-section.  It could also cause lots of bleeding in the third trimester and preterm labor.  Right now, mine is about Marginal.  So I’m going to start chanting, “Grow uterus, grow, move up placenta, move UP.”