I AM Grateful

Am I grateful enough? Yesterday I was at the salon, getting a much needed haircut.  (My hair was starting to look like a rat’s nest.)  I overheard a very pregnant lady saying how wonderful her pregnancy has been.  “I’ve felt great.   And I just feel so grateful everyday.  I mean sure, I had a couple days of nausea in the beginning, but so what, I don’t feel like eating.  I won’t eat that day.  I’m just so grateful.” At this point I felt A) terrible about myself for being such a wimp.  And B) like I wanted to punch this lady in the face.

Let’s talk about A.

After struggling with infertility for 3 years, 2 years with treatments, we have finally gotten to our first pregnancy.  It’s still super early, but we’re here.  I doubted so many times that we’d reach this point.  I wanted so badly to be here that I didn’t even realize what it would be like once I arrived.  I didn’t know I’d feel nauseated all day long, unable to eat anything of substance.  I didn’t know I’d be crampy and tired.  I didn’t know I’d be able to tell the difference between a mere gag and an impending vomit session.  I didn’t realize that I’d get a bladder infection and have heartburn and indigestion.  I just thought it would be rainbows and sunshine.  I thought knowing there was a little human growing inside of me would make all that other stuff disappear.  Perhaps that’s why I feel like such an awful person.  I am so grateful for this chance.  SO grateful! But, you know what? That doesn’t make the morning sickness go away.  Which brings me to point B.

Let’s talk about B.

Pregnancy is different for everyone.  I’ve heard it, I believe it.  After talking to lots of people about it, some had it WAY better than me at this point, and others had it significantly worse.  (I feel so bad for them.) But when you are a person who had a few days of nausea your entire pregnancy, and felt amazing the rest of the time, it’s a bit unfair to attribute it to your grateful attitude.  It makes the rest of us whose genes predispose us to crummy symptoms feel somehow less worthy of this journey.  Maybe it IS all about attitude, but please I just don’t want to hear it right now.

I’m sure so many people out there would say, “Oh quit your whining, at least you get the chance to be pregnant!” Trust me, I’m trying to quit my whining.  I feel like a horrible person to even complain for a second.  I can’t help it…I’m a whiner.

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6 thoughts on “I AM Grateful

  1. Yes! You are so right that it’s unfair to attribute it to being grateful. As if you can’t be grateful AND complain about how miserable you are. Because, let’s face it, some women have horrible pregnancies, no matter how grateful they are. I’ve had it easy, I will admit. But I always follow it up with, “I’m lucky.” Because that’s what it is – the luck of the draw.

  2. Believe me, I’m right there with you! I know that at the first prospect of being pregnant, my brain went right to symptoms (as usual, the adverse ones) because that’s what I’m used to. I’ve never had an easy time of anything! So when AF was a day late and my heart skipped a beat, the first words out of my mouth weren’t “I’m so excited!” They were “I hope I don’t feel this crappy the whole time!” Though AF finally did show up, I felt bad for feeling bad physically and for feeling bad about myself for even caring. Yes I want a baby. More than just about anything. But that doesn’t stop me from mentally tallying all my symptoms. It’s what I’m used to. It’s how I’ve survived so far. So the fact that you know your body and what you’re feeling isn’t great (and are secure enough in how you feel to voice these feelings) doesn’t mean that you are ungrateful for the baby growing in you. It just means you are an expressive, honest person. Nothing wrong with that! (And if so, I’m all wrong 😉!)

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