After our transfer and first positive beta, I had a terrible dream. I thought if I didn’t talk about it, the universe couldn’t know it was a possibility and it couldn’t happen. Yes, my bad dream had to do with being on the toilet and finding clumps of blood.
I tried to tell myself that miscarriage after two positive betas can’t be that common. If it’s implanted, it will surely stay. The universe was giving us a gift on my birthday, it was all meant to be. It was going to be fine…more than fine. I could feel the little guy tugging away on my side. He was growing good. I could feel it. I knew…
Except you don’t ever know, do you? Today I am 5weeks and 6 days pregnant. Except I may not be, really. Last night I started getting painful cramps across my lower abdomen. My ovaries felt cramped and I started spotting pink. I held out hope, that it was just normal early pregnancy spotting. I only had it once before on the day of beta #1, but it was a lot less and the cramps felt different. I was trying so hard not to believe my dream, until this morning I felt like it might be real. I was on the toilet…I wiped bright red blood, and even found a clot. I am now wearing a pad and hoping it doesn’t get heavier. Though my cramps tell me something fierce is on its way.
I called the doctor’s office and everything, but it turns out there’s nothing anyone can really do to confirm/relieve/prevent anything at this point. My only solace at this point is that there’s nothing I can do. Absolutely nothing except, like a fool, hope that my dreams aren’t premonitions.