A Bad Dream

After our transfer and first positive beta, I had a terrible dream.  I thought if I didn’t talk about it, the universe couldn’t know it was a possibility and it couldn’t happen.  Yes, my bad dream had to do with being on the toilet and finding clumps of blood.

I tried to tell myself that miscarriage after two positive betas can’t be that common.  If it’s implanted, it will surely stay.  The universe was giving us a gift on my birthday, it was all meant to be.  It was going to be fine…more than fine.  I could feel the little guy tugging away on my side.  He was growing good.  I could feel it. I knew…

Except you don’t ever know, do you? Today I am 5weeks and 6 days pregnant. Except I may not be, really. Last night I started getting painful cramps across my lower abdomen. My ovaries felt cramped and I started spotting pink. I held out hope, that it was just normal early pregnancy spotting. I only had it once before on the day of beta #1, but it was a lot less and the cramps felt different. I was trying so hard not to believe my dream, until this morning I felt like it might be real. I was on the toilet…I wiped bright red blood, and even found a clot. I am now wearing a pad and hoping it doesn’t get heavier. Though my cramps tell me something fierce is on its way.
I called the doctor’s office and everything, but it turns out there’s nothing anyone can really do to confirm/relieve/prevent anything at this point. My only solace at this point is that there’s nothing I can do. Absolutely nothing except, like a fool, hope that my dreams aren’t premonitions.



11 thoughts on “A Bad Dream

  1. If F read this story (he didn’t and won’t) he would say “You are not psychic. You are not special.” (He’s sweet like that!) While he would clearly be wrong, because you are special in many ways…I don’t remember you having psychic abilities. 🙂 But I really am hoping that everything is ok. When I first got pregnant I had really horrible cramps, to the point of almost passing out. I was so scared I went to the doctor. She told me I was having a “Gone with the Wind Moment”. Basically you can have a vasovagal response when you’re scared. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasovagal_response) I hope things have gotten better today!! Fingers crossed!

    • HAHA! oh F, he knows exactly what I need to hear. I think things have calmed down a bit. I think it’s my endometriosis acting up actually. (not the bleeding, but the cramps) keeping fingers crossed still.

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