Last week was my spring break, and this is what I felt like the entire time:
This is what I look like when someone mentions food to me. It’s what I look like after I eat, and it’s what I look like pretty much all day. Sometimes the look is accompanied by a wretch or dry heaving. (Okay, maybe I’m not quite as cute as this puppy) Oh yea, and I also got a skin infection on my nose after rubbing it raw during an allergy attack. So, not only am I queasy, but I’m queasy with disgusting lesions on my nose.
But you know what? I’m ecstatic that I feel like poo. I’m thrilled that I’m bloated, constipated, nauseated, and tired. Just thrilled because it means our little embryo decided to stick around! The bleeding and cramping I was having last week was completely off putting and scary, but apparently common for some women.
So, bring on the uglies! I’m ready….kind of.
After our transfer and first positive beta, I had a terrible dream. I thought if I didn’t talk about it, the universe couldn’t know it was a possibility and it couldn’t happen. Yes, my bad dream had to do with being on the toilet and finding clumps of blood.
I tried to tell myself that miscarriage after two positive betas can’t be that common. If it’s implanted, it will surely stay. The universe was giving us a gift on my birthday, it was all meant to be. It was going to be fine…more than fine. I could feel the little guy tugging away on my side. He was growing good. I could feel it. I knew…
Except you don’t ever know, do you? Today I am 5weeks and 6 days pregnant. Except I may not be, really. Last night I started getting painful cramps across my lower abdomen. My ovaries felt cramped and I started spotting pink. I held out hope, that it was just normal early pregnancy spotting. I only had it once before on the day of beta #1, but it was a lot less and the cramps felt different. I was trying so hard not to believe my dream, until this morning I felt like it might be real. I was on the toilet…I wiped bright red blood, and even found a clot. I am now wearing a pad and hoping it doesn’t get heavier. Though my cramps tell me something fierce is on its way.
I called the doctor’s office and everything, but it turns out there’s nothing anyone can really do to confirm/relieve/prevent anything at this point. My only solace at this point is that there’s nothing I can do. Absolutely nothing except, like a fool, hope that my dreams aren’t premonitions.
I cannot express how grateful I am to be here, to be in this place where I discover there is yet another 2 week wait. I thought after you go in for your Beta Hcg, you knew. But apparently there’s more limbo to wade through. In about a week though, we should know what path we’ll be on.
Until then, I worry about whether every sensation that I feel is normal. I google every symptom that comes and then just as quickly disappears. I am so afraid of losing this chance that I am forgetting to enjoy every moment.
I have 7 more days of practicing a quiet mind, and a peaceful and patient heart. Wish me luck!