Gag

Last week was my spring break, and this is what I felt like the entire time:

sad-puppy

This is what I look like when someone mentions food to me.  It’s what I look like after I eat, and it’s what I look like pretty much all day.  Sometimes the look is accompanied by a wretch or dry heaving.  (Okay, maybe I’m not quite as cute as this puppy) Oh yea, and I also got a skin infection on my nose after rubbing it raw during an allergy attack.  So, not only am I queasy, but I’m queasy with disgusting lesions on my nose.

But you know what? I’m ecstatic that I feel like poo.  I’m thrilled that I’m bloated, constipated, nauseated, and tired.  Just thrilled because it means our little embryo decided to stick around! The bleeding and cramping I was having last week was completely off putting and scary, but apparently common for some women.

So, bring on the uglies! I’m ready….kind of.

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A Bad Dream

After our transfer and first positive beta, I had a terrible dream.  I thought if I didn’t talk about it, the universe couldn’t know it was a possibility and it couldn’t happen.  Yes, my bad dream had to do with being on the toilet and finding clumps of blood.

I tried to tell myself that miscarriage after two positive betas can’t be that common.  If it’s implanted, it will surely stay.  The universe was giving us a gift on my birthday, it was all meant to be.  It was going to be fine…more than fine.  I could feel the little guy tugging away on my side.  He was growing good.  I could feel it. I knew…

Except you don’t ever know, do you? Today I am 5weeks and 6 days pregnant. Except I may not be, really. Last night I started getting painful cramps across my lower abdomen. My ovaries felt cramped and I started spotting pink. I held out hope, that it was just normal early pregnancy spotting. I only had it once before on the day of beta #1, but it was a lot less and the cramps felt different. I was trying so hard not to believe my dream, until this morning I felt like it might be real. I was on the toilet…I wiped bright red blood, and even found a clot. I am now wearing a pad and hoping it doesn’t get heavier. Though my cramps tell me something fierce is on its way.
I called the doctor’s office and everything, but it turns out there’s nothing anyone can really do to confirm/relieve/prevent anything at this point. My only solace at this point is that there’s nothing I can do. Absolutely nothing except, like a fool, hope that my dreams aren’t premonitions.

 

The Second 2WW

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I cannot express how grateful I am to be here, to be in this place where I discover there is yet another 2 week wait.  I thought after you go in for your Beta Hcg, you knew.  But apparently there’s more limbo to wade through.  In about a week though, we should know what path we’ll be on.

Until then, I worry about whether every sensation that I feel is normal.  I google every symptom that comes and then just as quickly disappears.  I am so afraid of losing this chance that I am forgetting to enjoy every moment.

I have 7 more days of practicing a quiet mind, and a peaceful and patient heart.  Wish me luck!